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Football
Conference Enlists Well Known Ad Firm to Promote New Ideas
By John Kreinbihl

Mr. Ed,

There's lots of discussion about moving "The Game" on the boards so I did a little investigating.

All the talk about the BIG TelevEN adding Nebraska and creating two divisions in the league and moving the OSU-Michigan game to any time but the last game of the season, was so stupid, so preposterous, so far removed from the traditional, stoic thinking of the league, that I realized the league in general, and OSU specifically, was getting advise from a third party.  In my world of marketing and advertising, there are firms whose work I can identify as soon as I see them.  

I can tell a Wieden & Kennedy commercial three seconds into it or a Leo Burnett outdoor board as soon as it appears on the highway, and I knew one special firm has to be helping the B10 and OSU.  Fortunately, I have a contact at the company so I e-mailed him to confirm my suspicions.

The name of the firm is "House of Bad Ideas" and as background, HOBI has a long track record of "less than stellar" concepts and I was sure their thumbprints were all over this change "The Game" idea.  Their motto is, “Optimism is the first step toward disappointment”.

Here are few of the highlights or milestones in the history of HOBI:

Remember Crystal Pepsi, the McDLT and The Chevy Chase Show?  All courtesy of the House of Bad Ideas.

If you've always wondered why the hell Michael Jordan left the Bulls to try and play baseball, the answer is HOBI.  Who talked Dustin Hoffman and Warren Beatty into doing Ishtar?  HOBI. When the Oakland Raiders asked the HOBI who they should take with the 1st pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, without hesitation, the "experts" at the House of Bad Ideas replied, JaMarcus Russell.  Currently there is a group of HOBI employees secretly running the Pittsburgh Pirates.

Want more?

Here are a few franchise opportunities the House of Bad Ideas developed--Granny Fannies, a chain of senior citizen strip clubs; the Comb Hut, Turtle World and "Just Scissors" all of which sold all sorts of paper products.

The House of Bad Ideas saw the success of Reese's combining chocolate and peanut butter and Smucker's Goober Peanut Butter and Jelly Stripes so they brought Oscar Meyer and French's together to pitch them the idea of putting bologna and mustard in the same package.  What could a partnership between Campbell's and Nabisco create?  Do tomato soup flavored crackers sound good?  The HOBI thought so. Curiously, neither Jell-o Cars nor "Sock O' Milk", both HOBI concepts, were big winners in the marketplace.

As a last ditch effort to avoid bankruptcy and having to shut down, Circuit City, approached the House of Bad Ideas for help. Their proposal was to "re-brand" Circuit City as "We B Typewriters"

Anyway, I think that gives the gist of their work, below is the reply I received from my buddy that works there.  I thought perhaps you and your readers might find it interesting.

JK

Great to hear from you.  Hope all is well with the family.

I'm always amazed how you know what projects we're working on.  You're correct, we're working closely with the Big Ten and OSU on the whole expansion/alignment thing.  You have to keep this between us, because if this gets out, I'm a dead man.

Here's some scoop on the conference stuff.  Nebraska is in next year, but ultimately the league will have 16 teams.  Texas and ND have agreed to join, but they're waiting for the economy to turn around before they announce it.  The final two pieces of the puzzle will happen in 2013 when Boise State and the Czech Republic are added.  The benefits of these two entities are obvious, Boise brings a blue field and the Czechs bring beer and loose, unattractive women.  It's all about the $ baby.

The whole league is going to be run more like a business than ever before.  Because of his ties to Domino's, Michigan AD David Brandon is set to announce that this year, the Wolverines will lose their games in less than 30 minutes or it's free, meaning fans don't have to pay for their tickets.  The BTN loves this idea because they can now run an entire Michigan game in between regularly scheduled doubleheader games on Saturdays.  FWIW, Michigan doesn’t expect to lose any money on this deal.

2010 will be Joe Pa's last year at Penn State and based on developments in the past day or two his replacement has been identified.  Paterno out.  Bobby Bowden in. This will be official as soon as some paperwork for the U. S. Government and the Scooter Store is completed. PSU is getting new unis too.  A little less blue, a little more mauve.  Also a midget in an Indian costume is going to ride a cat to the center of the field and plant a flaming stick in the ground before each game. Should be really exciting.

As for OSU, the rumors you're hearing are correct. Ohio State and Michigan will be is different divisions and the game won't played on the final week of the season any more.  It's being moved to October and it will be played on a Tuesday.  In the morning.  Like 7:30 AM. Our plan is to reposition it as "the Breakfast Bowl". We already have Jiffy Lube as the title sponsor and we're close to  getting "Cash for Gold" as the presenting sponsor.  I know folks won't be in favor of it at first, but change is inevitable and just like the change from 8-tracks to cassettes, the benefits will be clear very quickly.

To lessen the anxiety of OSU fans of losing a big season-ending game, the House of Bad Ideas has put together and has signed agreements from all parties involved, for the “Battle for the Buckeye State Classic” to be played in late November featuring OSU versus the Cincinnati Bearcats.  The game will be played every year in...wait for it...CLEVELAND!!  With the commission I got from that deal, I should be able to pay-off my Vespa by 2015.  Yeah me!!!

There are a few other changes in the works for Ohio State.  The other members of the league feel "The" Ohio State University is too pretentious so beginning in '11 with the addition of Nebraska, OSU will be known as "A Pretty Cool School in the Space Between Pennsylvania and Indiana".  Won't it be fantastic when TBDBITL performs "the incomparable Script APCSITSBPAI" at the "Shoe"?  Speaking of the stadium, don't be surprised when the name changes to "The Croc" once a deal with a certain footwear company is completed.  How can you turn down cash for a simple change like that? Tradition be damned.  You know, the North would say the South won the Civil War if they could get enough loot for it.

It's looking like the ramp entrance will disappear as well.  Rotel is bringing serious coin to the table to have the band run on to the field yelling, "Queso.  We need Queso".  Rotel came to us with that idea and when they asked me what I thought, I said, “two words,  best idea I’ve ever heard”.

I think you can count on this being the last year for “Hang on Sloopy”, too.  Our recommendation is to update it with either Adam Samberg’s “On a Boat (featuring T-Payne)” or Miley Cyrus’ “Party in the USA”.  Can you say, winner, winner chicken dinner?

Buckeye leaves on the helmets will be a thing of the past as well.  Starting in 2011, great plays or individual efforts will be recognized with “Auto-Owners Insurance Atta Boy Stickers”.  I’ve seen some prototype artwork on these babies and they look sweeeeet.

There’s a lot more in the works, but I hope this gives you a sense of the improvements the league and Ohio State are looking to make.  I’m very glad to play such an integral role in all this.  Honestly, if we weren’t here then all sorts of stupid things would have put into place.  Like President Gee thinks all the teams should wear bow ties and Delany feels that no matter how the teams finish record-wise, Northwestern and Minnesota should play for the championship every year. Crazy, isn’t it?

Well, I gotta run to a studio session.  Ron Zook is recording a CD of Opera Arias to be sold as fundraiser to get the miners trapped in Chile out before Christmas.  Today he’s doing Der Holle Rache from Mozart’s The Magic Flute.  Was it my idea?  Of course.

Say hi to your wife and kids and if you run into Danny, tell him he owes me thirteen dollars.

Chet

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