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Football
Tony's Tip Sheet
By Tony Gerdeman

The season is finally here and the countdown clock is emptying by the second—literally. Initially it was hard to get excited considering everything else that was going on. After all, just yesterday we were mired in Day 24 (an arbitrary number, but an acceptable one) of The Rivalry Under Siege, and we were expecting to be Ruby Ridged at any moment.

But we stood up as one voice (though voices don't really “stand up”) and we didn't let the terrorists win.

Now we can all move on with our lives, which have been immeasurably bettered by what the conference DIDN'T do with their prized pig.

College football season is here, people—and it's not going away for a good four months.

Today is game day, and to paraphrase the great philosopher Calvin, we must seize this day (and all the rest) and THROTTLE it!

Yes, it was a shame that we found ourselves distracted prior to now, but that distraction is gone. The only thing ahead of us now are the innumerable possibilities of another season of college football.

Ohio State has a team that will contend for a national title, and with playmakers like Terrelle Pryor, Brandon Saine and Devier Posey, how can you not be excited?

Beyond than that, we get to watch another season of Rich Rodriguez's shenanigans in Ann Arbor! Regardless of the dirges of gloom that had been coming from the bi-state area, the hilarity taking the field every Saturday in Maize and Blue would have been more than enough to keep a smile on our faces.

Think of the Michigan Wolverines as the Patch Adams of Big Ten football.

“Yes, you're going to die, but before you do, here's a hilarious balloon animal!” [honk, honk]

Thursday September 2

Teams: Florida A&M at Miami (FL)
Time (TV): 7:30 pm (ESPN3)
Interest: 3
Cheer For: Miami (FL)

The Dade County public libraries are going to be packed because the internet is the only place showing this game. Maybe some bars could hook up their internet to a projection television or two, but I'm sure it would just mess with the pre-planned soccer schedule which was the real reason anybody was at the bar to begin with. Even if they did try to show the football game during a soccer match, I'm guessing it wouldn't be worth it because of all of the knife fights it would cause. But then what else would you expect? Good luck trying to put a halt to all of the knife fighting in Miami. It's like Irish Dancing in Ireland. It's part of the culture. I'm surprised Miami Knife Fighting hasn't taken off like Irish Dancing. It's really quite poetic, and the choreography is out of this world. A tour can't be far behind. Other than that though, Miami is a great place to raise a gang. Miami 44 – Florida A&M 17.

Teams: Southern Miss at South Carolina
Time (TV): 7:30 pm (ESPN)
Interest: 1.5
Cheer For: Southern Miss

Thanks to the fact that the Buckeyes are playing at this same time, we will be saved from yet another year of being forced to watch South Carolina open the college football season on national television. They're like the Cincinnati Reds of college football—important early on, but then that's it. At least the Gamecocks have a winning history to fall back on. South Carolina 23 – Southern Miss 13.

Teams: Minnesota at Middle Tennessee
Time (TV): 7:30 pm (ESPNU)
Interest: 3.5
Cheer For: Minnesota

The Gophers dodged a bullet when Middle Tennessee quarterback Dwight Dasher was suspended indefinitely for accepting $1,500 in cash in order to play in some poker tournaments, which goes against the NCAA's rules for accepting cash. (Sorry Grandmas, bingo is also unacceptable) The amount of money borrowed should keep Dasher out for the first four games or so. Before he was suspended, Middle Tennessee was a four or five-point favorite. Since the suspension, however, the Gophers now find themselves favored by three points. Funnily, Dasher is worth more than a 7.5-point swing in my opinion, which makes me think the Gophers are going to win this one by a touchdown at least. Oh, and as a fun little appetizer, at halftime of the game, Tim Brewster is going to stand in a block of ice because he saw it on television once. Minnesota 30 – Middle Tennessee 20.

Teams: Marshall at Ohio State
Time (TV): 7:30 pm (BTN)
Interest: 5!
Cheer For: Ohio State

[Author's Note: This preview was written prior to the Big Ten's announcement that Michigan and Ohio State would continue playing in the final week of the season. If you're expecting me to make relevant changes to something so irrelevant as an Ohio State preview on the Tip Sheet, then you're asking way too much from me and you just don't know me that well—which is fairly disappointing.]
Don't you people get it?! It's MARSHALL WEEK!! It's as big as Michigan Week will be next year!! If you haven't planned your tailgate, you should probably jump off a bridge right now because the stores will be empty by Thursday afternoon. If you don't have your kids going to school in their “Muck Farshall” shirts on Thursday, you shouldn't even call yourselves Buckeye fans. I just hope the students don't miss kickoff when they're messing around in Mirror Lake. Go Bucks! Beat 'That Team Over Yonder East A Ways'!! Ohio State 31 – Marshall 10.

Teams: Towson at Indiana
Time (TV): 7:30 pm (BTN)
Interest: 2.5
Cheer For: Indiana

I was going to do some research on Towson because that's just the type of person I am. Then I did a little self-evaluation, and I realized that that actually ISN'T the type of person I am. I'm more of the “If I already know about it, then I'll tell you about it” type of guy. I'm not really the “Hey, you don't know about something? Then let me go get the information for you!” type of guy. In fact, I find that I'm actually growing into a “Yeah, I didn't expect you to know anything about it because, frankly, I've been a party to your logic and wisdom, and to be honest, I don't know how you get out of your garage everyday without poisoning yourself with carbon monoxide” type of guy. Hoosiers will win biggish. Indiana 37 – Towson 17.

Teams: Pittsburgh at Utah
Time (TV): 8:30 pm (VS)
Interest: 5
Cheer For: Pittsburgh

We're rooting for Pittsburgh because we're sick of the non-BCS schools and their talking. The best way to shut them up is to beat them. No, having Wannie on our front lines isn't exactly encouraging, but we could do worse—Zook could be opening against Boise State. Maybe this isn't the place to say it, but I think people are too harsh on Dave Wannstedt. I've always been a fan and it's annoyed me to no end to see the constant ridicule hurled at one of Pitt's greatest coaches of the last decade. Anyway, both Utah and Pitt have BCS hopes, which means this game is more important for Utah than Pittsburgh. If Utah doesn't go undefeated, they have almost no chance in reaching the BCS. Pitt, on the other hand, would technically only need to win six or seven games—as long as they're the RIGHT six or seven—to reach the BCS. And this is why the BCS is tremendous—it keeps the whiny little &^%#$@$ at home where they belong. And though we may be rooting for Pitt, it may all be in vain. The Panthers are 5-11 in their last 16 road openers and haven't beaten a ranked non-conference opponent since 2004, and that was just Notre Dame. Utah has beaten eight straight BCS opponents at home—a streak that started back in 2001. Overall, they are 13-4 against BCS opponents since the start of the 2004 season. They don't return much of last year's defense, however, which means Panther running back Dion Lewis should give them trouble. But I have a feeling Pitt will have to throw in order to run, and with new starting quarterback Tino Sunseri being very unproven, I have to go with the Utes in this one. Utah 24 – Pitt 16.

Teams: USC at Hawaii
Time (TV): 11:00 pm (ESPN)
Interest: 3
Cheer For: Hawaii

I'll be watching this one while working on The Buckeye Watch, so I'm looking forward to seeing what a buckled-down Trojan team looks like. I'm guessing Snoop will only be allowed a modest entourage, and agents absolutely MUST sign a check-in sheet prior to entering ANY huddles! USC 37 – Hawaii 20.

Friday September 3

Teams: Arizona at Toledo
Time (TV): 8:00 pm (ESPN)
Interest: 3.5
Cheer For: Toledo

I feel a certain kinship with the Toledo Rockets because they are one of only two Ohio teams to beat a Rich Rodriguez-led Michigan team. When you're part of an exclusive club like that, you tend to look out for eachother. Also, wouldn't it be hilarious to see Arizona lose to Toledo two weeks before beating Iowa? Don't think it isn't possible. Arizona has lost eight straight road openers, and the Rockets are 5-1 at home against BCS teams since 2001. Arizona 23 – Toledo 19.

Saturday September 4

Teams: Miami (OH) at Florida
Time (TV): 12:00 pm (ESPN)
Interest: 2
Cheer For: Miami (OH)

Tim Tebow is gone and John Brantley is Florida's new quarterback. This is like replacing the General Lee with a three-wheeled Prius. Or moving the Michigan game to October—and not having it count in the standings. It's just not natural. But we will have to get through it together. I would maybe suggest some weekly meetings, just until we have all devised some coping methods. Tears will be plentiful, so it would also be best if Gatorade was provided in order to replenish our fluids. Also, maybe some Nilla wafers would be welcomed, because nobody hates Nilla wafers. Oh, who am I kidding. No amount of meetings or Nilla wafers could prepare us for Tebow-less Saturdays! It doesn't matter if you're lost by yourself or lost with a hundred others—you're still LOST. And it's not just us football fans who will have to adjust. Think of poor Gary Danielson, who at this moment is probably three days into a week-long stay in bed, eating Bon-Bons and drinking whiskey, just trying to make the pain go away. He will never be the same. None of us will be. Maybe we can get the Denver Broncos to move their games to Saturday? Florida 59 – Miami (OH) 10.

Teams: Western Michigan at Michigan State
Time (TV): 12:00 pm (ESPN2)
Interest: 3
Cheer For: Michigan State

The Spartans lost at home to Central Michigan last year, but Western doesn't have anybody as good as Central quarterback Dan LeFevour. Still, this is Michigan State and their prescribed daily dosage of paint chips can take their toll at any moment. But the Spartans have won eleven straight home openers and haven't lost to Western Michigan since 1919. (Yes, this means it's WAY overdue.) Michigan State 33 – Western Michigan 7.

Teams: Youngstown State at Penn State
Time (TV): 12:00 pm (BTN)
Interest: 3.5
Cheer For: Penn State

For the first time in Joe Paterno's history—or at least as far back as written Paterno history goes, he will be starting a freshman quarterback (Robert Bolden) in a season opener. Bolden has been compared to Terrelle Pryor by Penn State fans, which is a surprise since they feel Pryor would never see the field in Happy Valley. I guess Bolden must be better. Of course, for you Nittany Lion fans out there, I'm being Fuh-See-Shess, which means I'm kidding. Starting Bolden in this game makes tremendous sense, because he gives you your best option to win, and they need to get him some playing time before heading down to Tuscaloosa next week. Still, if you are a Penn State fan—and not planning on sitting outside on Saturday and watching all of the neighborhood deer get hit by cars—you might want to take what you see out of Bolden in this one with a grain of salt. It will be impossible to duplicate the results of this Saturday with next Saturday. Starting a freshman quarterback is never the first option. In fact, it's usually the last. I'm not saying the quarterback situation is ugly, but if Wally Richardson and Anthony Morelli had a baby, he'd be getting 50% of the snaps in practice right now. Penn State 33 – Youngstown State 3.

Teams: Eastern Illinois at Iowa
Time (TV): 12:00 pm (BTN)
Interest: 1.5
Cheer For: Iowa

Last year Iowa needed two blocked field goals in the final moments against Northern Iowa in order to pull out the victory. This year, there will be no such drama. Blocking the first field goal with one second remaining on the clock should be plenty. Iowa 24 – Eastern Illinois 7.

Teams: Illinois vs Missouri (at St. Louis)
Time (TV): 12:30 pm (FSN)
Interest: 4
Cheer For: Illinois

Missouri owns this series of late, and why wouldn't they. But the Tigers lose starting running back Derrick Washington to suspension, and now it appears that the Illini actually have a shot in this one. Or, at least, that's what I WOULD HAVE said had the Illini not lost half of its starting secondary to injury this week. Missouri won't even have to run the ball to win this one. They'll throw all over the field and win a shootout. I am interested to see Illinois' new offense, including redshirt freshman quarterback Nathan Scheelhaase. Here's hoping the Zookers put up a fight before folding. Missouri 34 – Illinois 28.

Teams: Purdue at Notre Dame
Time (TV): 3:30 pm (NBC)
Interest: 4.5
Cheer For: Purdue

"I think when it comes to Saturday, somebody's going to get exposed." That's what Notre Dame safety Jamoris Slaughter said yesterday in reference to Purdue quarterback Robert Marve (or is it “Mavre”?). Mmm...this irony is delicious! A member of Notre Dame's secondary saying somebody's going to get exposed is either incredibly dumb or incredibly stupid, I'm just not sure which yet. I'm not even going to try and analogize it, because it is its own analogy. Now that being said, I'm expecting Notre Dame to win. I'm a Brian Kelly believer and I think he's going to have Notre Dame in the BCS hunt this year. However, if Danny Hope can pull this one out, then I'll have to start giving his mustache more credit. To get the win, Marve will probably have to do most of it himself since Purdue's running game is banged up pretty good right now. Notre Dame 31 – Purdue 17.

Teams: Connecticut at Michigan
Time (TV): 3:30 pm (ESPN2/ABC)
Interest: 5
Cheer For: Michigan

Other than the Ohio State game, I think I may be looking forward to this one most of all, Scarecrow. Not because I expect it to be such a tremendous game, but just because I have NO IDEA what to expect. I mean, I'm expecting hilarity, but I just don't know how much. It's like having a friend who gets the world's best gag gifts, and when you know they're shopping for you, your mind races as to what they could possibly be coming up with, and Rich Rodriguez gameplan as Michigan's head coach has apparently come straight from Spencer's Gifts. The Wolverine defense will likely feature a walk-on fullback starting at middle linebacker, and really, that's all that needs to be said about this defense. Connecticut running back Jordan Todman may rush for 150 yards in this game. Still, I'm reminded of Rodriguez's first game at Michigan with a much worse team. Utah came into Michigan Stadium and escaped with a two-point win. That's the same Utah team that would go on to beat Alabama by two touchdowns in the Sugar Bowl. There's just something different about season openers, but ultimately I have to go back to Michigan's defense and just convince myself that there's just no way they can't stop anybody who doesn't want to be stopped. Connecticut 34 – Michigan 27.

Teams: Western Kentucky at Nebraska
Time (TV): 7:00 pm (FSN PPV)
Interest: 2
Cheer For: Nebraska

The Huskers are our third-favorite team this season. We'll be rooting for them every week this year, except for possibly their bowl game. It won't always be an easy watch, however. Bo Pelini has said the quarterback situation isn't settled yet, and there might not even be a legitimate option on the roster. Fortunately for them, they've got two weeks to find out who their best option is prior to heading out to Washington on September 18. If they want to become the new Michigan of the Big Ten, at least they've got the quarterback mediocrity part down already.

Teams: San Jose State at Alabama
Time (TV): 7:00 pm (Alabama PPV/ESPN3)
Interest: 1
Cheer For: San Jose State

Great job, SEC Network. You can't even get the national champions on basic cable television. If you want to talk about pay-per-view, I would pay to watch half of the Alabama fans in the state looking all around their television channels for ESPN3.

“It should be right after ESPN2!”

“I tried that. It ain't there!”

“Did you press up or down?”

“Up! I pressed UP!!”

“Well try down.”

“I already did!”

“Did you try just putting it on channel three?!”

“No. Hold on. [two-minute pause] Still nothing!”

“Did you try typing 'ESPN3' in with the remote like you would a text message?”

“OF COURSE I TRIED TYPING IN 'ESPN3' WITH THE REMOTE LIKE I WOULD WITH A TEXT MESSAGE!!”

Alabama 47 – San Jose State 10.

Teams: Northwestern at Vanderbilt
Time (TV): 7:30 pm (SECN/ESPN3)
Interest: 4
Cheer For: Northwestern

Northwestern is clearly better than Vanderbilt, but this is the type of game theWildcats always lose. It's just not Northwestern's way to be expected to be good and then fulfill that promise from week one. They must first struggle, because it's hard just so hard for them to pull a full bandwagon with a modified three-horsepower riding mower motor. Struggles and all, we'll get our first look at new quarterback Dan Persa for the Wildcats, and I'm expecting very good things from him. But this is still the season opener and Vanderbilt still has an SEC defense. (Ha ha, just kidding. Their defense is terrible.) Vanderbilt 24 – Northwestern 20.

Teams: TCU vs Oregon State (at Arlington, TX)
Time (TV): 7:45 pm (ESPN)
Interest: 5
Cheer For: Oregon State

If Beaver running back Jacquizz Rodgers can perform well in leading his team to a victory, he will jump to the top of many Heisman watch lists. But it's not going to be easy for him. TCU allows 100-yard rushing games like Lloyd Carr used to allow witty halftime banter. If Oregon State can't run, they have no shot. Even if they can run the ball, they'll still need to avoid the turnovers—and also force a few of their own. Since 2005, TCU is 45-1 when they don't lose the turnover battle. TCU 27 – Oregon State 24.

Teams: LSU vs North Carolina (at Atlanta, GA)
Time (TV): 8:00 pm (ABC)
Interest: 4
Cheer For: North Carolina

We're rooting for the Tar Heels, but we're torn on doing so. First off, obviously we're rooting against LSU because they're an SEC team, but that doesn't mean we're fans of North Carolina. In fact, instead of “Cheer For”, we should label it “Cheer Against”. The big story in this game is that the Tar Heels are going to be traveling without as many as 16 players for various cheatings and scandals. If it weren't completely hilarious, it might be sad. Because of their terrible offense, North Carolina was going to have trouble with this game regardless. Now the only shot they have is if Les Miles involves himself with LSU's coaching. Of course, even with the Heels' depleted defense, LSU may still not be able to score. If you hate offense and love punting, after this game, the rest of your life will only be a letdown. LSU 20 – North Carolina 10.

Teams: Cincinnati at Fresno State
Time (TV): 10:00 pm (ESPN2)
Interest: 2.5
Cheer For: Cincinnati

As Ohio's only BCS team playing on the road at a non-AQ school, I'm interested to see how this new coaching staff shakes out for the Bearcats. Here's hoping Butch Jones does a good job—but remember, if he does too good of a job, he'll go somewhere better—like Michigan State. LOL! But seriously, we're rooting for Cincinnati because quarterback Zach Collaros is on one of my fantasy teams and he's my best quarterback. So I'll be tuned into this one hoping for a shootout. Fresno State 38 – Cincinnati 33.

Teams: Wisconsin at UNLV
Time (TV): 11:00 pm (VS)
Interest: 3.5
Cheer For: Wisconsin

The Badgers are going to pound UNLV so hard, the pit bosses are going to come by asking them to leave. At which point Bret Bielema will become Bret Belligerent, and declare that he's “not going anywhere” because “Bret Bielema pays their salary” (yes, he will use the third-person in said declaration). Security will then show up to escort Bielema out and he will start yelling something about how he thought this was America. As he's passing the slot machines, he will scream at the old ladies playing that he hopes “they enjoy living in Russia”. Wisconsin 35 – UNLV 17.

Sunday September 5

Teams: SMU at Texas Tech
Time (TV): 3:30 pm (ESPN)
Interest: 3
Cheer For: Texas Tech

We're rooting for Texas Tech because...well...I'm not really sure. But we've always sort of liked Tommy Tuberville, despite his open opinions on the Buckeyes, and we're looking forward to seeing the oil and water combination of wide open offense and Tuberville's reaction to it. Tech fans have come to expect a pass-happy offense, and Tuberville has said that's what they'll get. But for how long? Tuberville throwing the ball 50 times per game is about as natural as Keith Jackson getting into a rap battle. Whoa doctor, shizzle my nizzle! Texas Tech 31 – SMU 20.

Monday September 6

Teams: Boise State vs Virginia Tech (at Landover, MD)
Time (TV): 8:00 pm (ESPN)
Interest: 5
Cheer For: Virginia Tech

America hasn't had a more-hated fictionalized sports entity to root against since Ivan Drago stepped toe to toe with Rocky Balboa. Of course, that's where the comparisons stop. If Virginia Tech wins this one, we won't have to hear about Boise State for another year! If Boise State happens to win, they will continue to be the talk of the season—and we can't let that happen. Since the letter-writing campaign worked so well with the Ohio State – Michigan game, maybe we can do the same with this one. Write to the NCAA imploring them not to allow Boise State to win! Not that the Hokies will need the help. They will be able to control the ball all game long with their running game. They just need to avoid the turnovers. If they win the turnover battle, they'll win the game. However, a Hokie win here would be just TOO convenient, which means it's not going to happen. I hope you love hearing about Boise State, because nothing is going to change as the weeks go on. Boise State 27 – Virginia Tech 23.

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