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Football
The Week that Was
By Tony Gerdeman

We're so close to football season right now that I can smell Mark May's musky scent. Or maybe I just stepped in something.

*** ***

I usually like to have some fun with this column every week, but there's nothing enjoyable about what the Big Ten, Ohio State and Michigan are about to do to the greatest rivalry in all of sports.

It seems the momentum over the last week or two has been heading towards the possibility of putting Ohio State and Michigan in separate divisions, which means that the game would no longer be the season finale for either team.

Nobody with any common sense ever thought that this was even a possibility prior to the subject being brought up at the Big Ten media days a few weeks ago. When nobody from the conference or the universities said anything in opposition to the split, that should have told us all we needed to know.

This week Michigan Athletic Director David Brandon was speaking to radio station WTKA and was asked if it was up to him, would he keep Michigan and Ohio State in the same division, and he said “No.”

No?

Why?

“Because we're in a situation where one of the best things that could happen … would be the opportunity to play Ohio State twice.

Color me skeptical, but I think the LAST thing Michigan wants right now is two helpings of beatloaf.

Michigan wanting to maneuver the schedule so that they can play Ohio State in the Big Ten Championship Game is like me applying for my pilot's license after building a paper airplane.

But at least he's giving an answer. The brass at Ohio State hasn't taken a stand one way or the other, saying instead that whatever happens, happens.

Behold the windsock of change.

People, you are going to have your rivalry taken away from you unless you do something about it—and even then, it may be too late.

What can you do? Who knows. Write letters, rent billboards, burn up the phone lines, borrow some ideas from Fight Club?

The answer is probably nothing. You will be told that Michigan and Ohio State will still play, and that's the important thing. Imagine how great it will be when they play with the Big Ten Championship on the line!

Ah yes, imagine how great it would be if they were playing with something on the line.

You know, like maybe a division title and the opportunity to go to the conference championship game?

I just can't understand the desire to give up one absolutely important game, for the minimal possibility of a different important game. All the while diminishing the importance of the now earlier, and formerly very important game.

why the split at all? Why can't we just put Ohio State, Michigan and Penn State in one division and Iowa, Wisconsin and Nebraska in the other?

The Big Ten will tell you that it doesn't want to have three of their four biggest brands in one division.

Oh, if only there was some way to remove a team from the Eastern brands without splitting up Ohio State and Michigan.

But alas, there apparently isn't, because if there were, I'm sure the Big Ten would have examined it in all of their wisdom.

The best thing the Big Ten has going for it has ALWAYS been the Ohio State – Michigan game. Because of the addition of two teams who have a whopping 16 years of on-field play in the conference (Penn State has 17 and Nebraska has -1), the Big Ten is throwing it all away when they don't even have to.

One day in the near future, when this split is made and the crust of the earth begins to crack and the tectonic plates start gyrating like Joe Paterno after Indian food, I want to know why, if the Big Four indeed had to be split in pairs, couldn't they just stick the noobs with the noobs and be done with it?

I think the saddest part for me in all of this, however, is that Ohio State could stop it if they wanted to.

Remember the power wielded by Texas this spring? If Ohio State was interested in throwing its weight around, they could do so too.

Heck, they could get the divisions named after Brutus' left and right butt cheeks if they wanted to.

But apparently things are going exactly where the university wants them to. And I have no idea why.

Is the severely-off chance that Ohio State and Michigan could meet twice in the same season really worth ignoring the very history that the Big Ten—and every university in it—champions whenever it is convenient to them?

So what if they actually do meet in the Championship Game? What's so special about it? It's just some game that was already played in October.

Besides, with the new alignment, Ohio State's real rival is apparently Penn State.

Clear the trophy shelf, boys, we got us a shot at The Land Grant Trophy!

All the more reason to hate Penn State, I guess.

p.s. If you weren't planning on going to this year's Michigan game, you may want to—it will probably be the last of its kind.

*** ***

I don't really have the energy for yet another Boise State rant given the hellfire raining down from the Big Ten sky, but I can't just let this go. This is from Sports Illustrated writer Andy Staples' top 25, where he has Boise State ranked second.

“2. Boise State. Here's a prediction I know will come true: Most of the complaints I'll receive about this poll will point to this particular slot. The power-conference apologists will whine that Boise State would lose three games if it had to slog through a tough conference slate. Maybe, but those people always fail to realize that if Boise State played in the Big 12 or Pac-10, it would have Big 12 or Pac-10 players instead of the collection of two- and three-star recruits that Coach Chris Petersen and his staff have turned into stars. The argument falls flat after that. This isn't an excuse for Boise State -- just an answer to a silly argument. I'm not grading on a curve here. I ranked Boise State No. 2 because I believe that the Broncos -- on a neutral field -- would beat the teams ranked below them and lose to Alabama. Now, if you want us to stop talking about Boise State and stop ranking the Broncos so high, there is an easy solution. When your favorite power-conference program plays the Broncos, it better beat them. Virginia Tech gets the next shot on Labor Day.”

Where to begin. Somebody get me a cheese grater, an ice pick and a gun that shoots napalm.

Sorry to re-paste this, but it needs to be read again because it is so logically flawed as to perhaps introduce an entirely new way of thought.

“...but those people always fail to realize that if Boise State played in the Big 12 or Pac-10, it would have Big 12 or Pac-10 players instead of the collection of two- and three-star recruits that Coach Chris Petersen and his staff have turned into stars. The argument falls flat after that.”

Yes, the argument does fall flat after that. Because there's no way you can actually engage in an argument with somebody who think like this.

Him: “I ranked them second because I think they'd beat everybody but Alabama.”

Me: “They'd probably go 8-4 with an average BCS schedule.”

Him: “Yeah, but if they were in a BCS conference, they would have BCS-level players.”

Me: “But what does that have to do with this year's team?”

Him: “Shiny pan! Shiny pan!! Look at the shiny pan!!!”

Me: “Also, if you're saying that if Boise was in a BCS conference, they would then have BCS-level players—aren't you implying that they really aren't the second-best team in the nation?”

Him: “Stop using my words against me!”

You know how immersion works great for learning a foreign language? Well I don't think it works for logic, because I could read his reasoning every day for a year, and I'd still never get to the point where I'd plug in the toaster and taste the hot red wires so that I can get an idea of what flavor my toast is going to be.

How is somebody whose brain works like this allowed to walk around in public? At least all of the idiotic talking heads on ESPN are just doing “bits”. I think Staples actually believes what he wrote.

He probably thinks splitting Michigan and Ohio State is brilliant too.

*** ***

Lastly, because nothing else matters at this point, Michigan cornerback Troy Woolfolk was likely lost for the season when he dislocated his ankle and possibly broke his leg in practice this week.

It is a terrible and devastating loss for the Wolverines.

In his place will be freshmen and other terrible options.

Fortunately for Woolfolk, he should be back next year, and he's no doubt looking forward to that warm October day in 2011 when he gets to run out of the tunnel in Michigan Stadium and open the Big Ten season against Ohio State.

*** ***

There's nothing else to talk about. Go write your letters and start your underground fight clubs, folks. It's the only way we can win this battle.

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